


Quite miss home

by riverwriteskinda



Category: Tennis RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:15:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23040808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riverwriteskinda/pseuds/riverwriteskinda
Summary: Roger and Rafa made a promise. How hard could it be to keep it?
Relationships: Roger Federer/Rafael Nadal
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	Quite miss home

**Author's Note:**

> It's all over the place because I kept going back and forth on whether they should stay together or not. I'm still conflicted but I guess I will never find the right answer because there isn't one.

Roger found himself alone on the deck, watching as the sun was abruptly setting and leaving the sky a cold mix of blue and purple. His head felt heavy, even though the glass in his hand was still full. The smell of vodka turned his stomach upside down as he emptied the glass, hoping it would have the same effect on his head. His relentless thoughts were troubling him, wearing him down. Spanish music was playing softly and without even realizing, his feet were moving in sync with the beat. He left out a giggle as he recognized the song. Rafa's favourite. Rafa. 

He closed his eyes for a second, lost in the warm, fuzzy feeling. All he could see was Rafa's smile, relieving his heated touch and that damn laugh. Rafa. His Rafa. He remembered the days they spent in Geneva, at Laver Cup, playing together on the same side of the net, they were so childishly happy. He's seen the photos from the first day, they were smiling all the damn time. Especially when they were next to each other, whispering cheerfully. They were such a mess at hiding their feelings. And after the photoshoot... after everyone left to prepare for the unofficial dinner... the desperate kisses in the locker room. That memory felt so bittersweet. So far away. 

The music got increasingly louder and Roger glanced inside, at the party. Some of Rafa's friends he didn't really know, only from pictures and the million stories Rafa had told him, were at the bar, drinking, whilst Rafa, David, Feliciano and Carlos were spinning and cheering, it was probably some traditional Spanish dance, Roger thought. He couldn't get his eyes off this beautiful man he so hardly adored. His skin was glowing with sweat, his arms... He was all a smile, so happy and relaxed, but the moment he noticed Roger outside, his expression changed. His brows came together, confusion and worry flushing all over his face. Roger loved so much the way wrinkles appeared on Rafa's forehead whenever he was confused or mad. He loved everything about this man.

Roger smiled back at him, trying not to show that he was about to cry. Rafa clearly didn't buy it. He got up, quickly making his way to the door, ignoring his friends as they were shouting his name. He grabbed his and Roger's jacket and he stepped on the deck, closing the door behind him. He was a bit dizzy, his head all a mess, but seeing that expression on Roger's face he immediately sobered up. Something was off and he didn't know what. 

'Rogi?' he didn't know why he whispered, maybe because he was used to whisper whenever they talked, afraid to be heard, afraid to be caught. Noticing Roger's teary eyes, Rafa's heart fell to the ground and with only one look from his rival, he understood it all. 

Roger quickly wiped his eyes, putting on one of his brightest smiles, but he knew he failed miserably. He barely realized he was freezing, before Rafa put the jacket he brought over his shoulders. 

'Thanks, he said. I didn't even realize how cold it was.' Their hands barely touched and Rafa frowned even more.  
'You're so cold, Rogi. What were you thinking? Come on, let's go inside. You need to warm up.' He grabbed Roger's hand, but the other man didn't want to go. 

'No, no, no. Raf, I'm fine. Really.' He let go of Rafa's hand and returned to his seat. 'I just wanted to clear my head, you know? Drank too much.' He made a goofy sign pointing to his head, in a foolish attempt to reassure the other man that everything was fine. 

'Don't lie to me, Roger. You barely touched your drink. I'm pretty sure that was your first. ' Rafa crossed his arms and looked at the glass in Roger's hand.

'How did you know?' he asked quietly, avoiding the younger man's gaze. 

'You're not the only one that stares, you know? I look at you all the time, all night I looked. And it was hard for me to stay away but the boys... they kept me from you. They don't understand it, but I don't blame them, you know?... Rogi, are you ok?' He searched for Roger's eyes, desperately trying to get something out of him, hoping to understand what he was feeling. But the older man dismissed the question, still not daring to look Rafa in the eyes.

'Raf, I'm fine. I promise. You have to go back there and enjoy your party. I'll come in a minute.' Roger's acting was undeniably trash. This man couldn't hide his feelings, not even to save his own life. 

The spaniard sat down next to him, and carefully placed his head on Roger's shoulder. The swiss sighed heavily and broke the silence.

'You shouldn't be here. It's your day and I'm ruining it.' 

The sun had finally set, leaving them in complete darkness. Even with their knees, tights, hips and shoulders touching, they felt so far apart, the darkness so dense, like a wall in between them. They didn't know what to say, but what can you say in these situation? Tomorrow Rafa would marry Mery, his gorgeous long-term girlfriend. He knew Mery was one of the most amazing women he ever met, so supportive, powerful and loving. And he knew she deserved more than a half-husband. She deserved to have Rafa all to herself, completely dedicated to her, loving only her. And his wife deserved the same. And more. They both agreed, times and times again that it had to end. When he found out that Mirka was pregnant. When Myla and Charlene were born. On each and every one of the girls' anniversaries. When Mirka got pregnant the second time. When Leo and Lenny were born and on their every anniversary. But they always made their way back to each other. Until Rafa proposed to Mery.

He still remembers that day. Roger had barely woken up when he opened his phone and read about the engagement. He was frozen in place, holding his breath as he was staring at the lines. He got around twenty phone calls from Rafa later that day, but he didn't pick up. They didn't talk for weeks. And then they found their way back to each other. But after countless discussions, they agreed it was the last time. After the wedding they would go back to their normal lives, to their wives, to their families. But they didn't know what normal was, so used to one another. Nonetheless, they knew it had to end. They couldn't go on like this because it only led them to more and more suffering and their families didn't deserve this. 

Rafa turned to face Roger, in that freezing cold he felt his lover's warmth. His hand caressing Roger's freshly shaved face. The swiss was so surprised to feel his cold hand, he shivered under Rafa's touch, letting out a soft moan. Rafa heatedly pressed his lips on Roger's, one hand in his hair and the other under his t-shirt. The swiss returned the kiss desperately and pulled Rafa in his lap, both his hands landing on the spaniard's backside. They kept kissing until their tongues and lips were swollen and they covered every inch of their faces and necks and shoulders with kisses. 

Had not the music from the party gone quiet, they probably wouldn't have stopped at kisses, fully clothed, but Rafa's friends were undoubtedly worried. Few knew about his relationship with Federer. Even fewer were okay with it and not even one liked it. Imagine their faces when they saw Rafa arriving with Roger for his bachelor party. They weren't happy. Realizing that the music has gone quiet, they both went back to find that everyone has stopped dancing and drinking. They ruthlessly analyzed Roger from head to toes, as Carlos, Marc and another guy Roger didn't know got in a heated argument with Rafa. Roger tried to interfere, but Rafa signaled him to stay out of this with a head shake and a little wink. Spanish continously flew around the room, Roger barely catching few words like 'stupid, disappointing, promise' and Mery's name. Mostly Mery's name in all arguments. Roger wished the ground could swallow him and he would disappear. He felt so guilty, so awful. He just wanted to go home, but at the same time home was the last place he wanted to be. He got up and left, feeling lost and despising the situation they were in. How did they got here? They were hurting their families, they were hurting each other. It had to stop. 

'Rogi, wait! Don't go, please, not yet.' The younger man caught up to him and grabbed his shoulder tightly. 'The night's not over yet.'

'Time's up, Rafa. It's over.' he said with a hoarse voice, as tears were welling up in his eyes. His mouth was dry and he was feeling nauseous. 'Enjoy your wedding. I'm going home.' 

'Roger, don't leave like this.' Rafa felt defeated, empty, conflicted. He didn't know what to do, how to deal with this. He loved Roger with his whole heart and he couldn't imagine his life without him. But he had to. For his own sake, for Roger's sake, for Mirka's and the twins' and of course for Mery. But he couldn't say goodbye. Not to Roger. Not now. Not ever. He felt his heart shattering in pieces the moment Roger turned and looked at him. Pain and anger written in capital letters on his face.  
He wanted to take it all back. He needed him. No, he couldn't go. No, they'll keep going. Mery and Mirka will understand, like they always do. One day, maybe they'll explain it to the kids and even publicly come out. 

'How do you want me to leave then? Cause I can't do this, Rafael. I can't say goodbye to you. God... Please, let me go. Don't make me do this.' He was moving his weight from one foot to another, barely breathing, as the tears were choking him, drowning him. His heart was aching and he wanted to go home now more than ever. 

Rafa came closer, desperately trying to hug him, to hold him close, but Roger refused the embrace, stepping away from the younger man, as his beautiful features were a reflection of his mind. He was confused and shocked at Rafa's change of heart. The younger man looked so heartbroken and he was biting his lip nervously. 

'I changed my mind, we don't have to do this. We will be fine just like we were until now. Please, don't leave. The wedding doesn't change anything. You and Mirka were married and we were together, so why would it change now?'

'You're fucking kidding me, aren't you? Do you hear yourself talking, Raf? No, you wanted this. And it's the right thing to do. And that's what we will do. It has to end. Right now.' He was looking straight into the spaniard's eyes. He wasn't shaking anymore and the tears stopped. He felt at peace with his decision; he wanted to be a better husband and a better father, he really did. But he didn't realise how hurtful his words were and how much he would have to give up. The younger man was desperate now, and tears were dripping out of his sad eyes.

'Rogi, please wait. I love you.' He grabbed Roger by the hand as he was turning away. 'I was wrong. Please, stay. I'm not gonna marry Mery, I'll think of something, I'll give everything up for you, please, stay.' He put his hand on his lover's cheek and dragged him in, hoping to erase it all with a kiss. 

'No, Raf. You were right. That's what we should have done long ago. And please marry her, have a family, be happy. You know I will always love you but I have to go. We got to end this. I'm sorry.' 

Rafa fell on his knees in front of the older man, holding his waist in place, not allowing him to leave. They couldn't be done. No. 

Roger kneeled too and gently caressed Rafa's face, arms and back. And then he held him as they both stood there, crying, their whole world falling apart. 

'Don't leave me. Please.' Rafa begged. 

'I'm here now, baby.' He kissed him softly and got him up from the ground. He tried to get him to laugh, to lighten up, to stop crying, but Rafa kept sobbing, clinging to Roger, begging him to stay. 

Roger drove Rafa home afterwards, making sure he was alright, home and safe. And the whole drive no one said a thing, although both wished they would. They had so much to tell each other, so much that they will never have enough time to say it all. Roger focused intensely on the road, thanking the Lord for being able to keep his mind off what just happened. He wanted the ability to read minds, as he was wondering what Rafa was feeling, what he was thinking, but he didn't dare look at him. He just focused on the road, straight ahead until they arrived. 

'Are you ok?' Roger broke the silence as he was reached Rafa's house and stopped the car. He stared for a second at the tall, blueish building, one he knew so well. 

He loved coming here with Rafa, with the sea so close and the lovely weather. Laying on the beach all day long with his lover, bathing in the warm, salty water and tanning in the hot Majorcan sun... He didn't realise how much he would give up if him and Rafa would part ways. He pondered, contemplating how happy he was here, with Rafa. How incredibly beautiful Rome was by his side, and Madrid, and Dubai, and of course Switzerland. He always loved showing it to Rafa, maybe as much as he loved showing it to his kids. He thought of every vacation he ever went on with him and his eyes were once again welling up with tears. He was the happiest hiking in the Alps with him, practicing together at Rafa's academy, going on cruises together, even the simplicity of watching Rafa cook dinner for him was making him smile. He was so in love with this man. Was he really ready to give him up? The answer should have been 'yes' straight away, but it wasn't. 

'Roger?' Rafa's soft voice brought him back, waking him up, taking him from the happiest place he's ever known, the man himself. It never was about the place, the country, it was always about him. When he was on vacation he was happy, of course, he loved his family enormously, but he always thought of his lover, dreading the distance, longing for his fiery kisses and gentle touches. He could barely go on an entire day without calling him, texting him, talking to him. How did he ever think he could live without him? He was his home, where he felt safest, happiest and most loved. That's why Roger couldn't leave and go home even though he tried so hard to. Rafa was his home. 

'Sorry, I was just thinking... about our memories here. How much joy I feel seeing this place again. It's been a while since we came here, hasn't it?' 

'Yeah, we been here like 3 or 4 years ago, no? After your surgery we came here. I remember I was so scared that you would never play tennis again. I cried while you were in hospital, terrified I will never play against you, play with you. And then I felt so selfish because I know how important tennis is to you and I was only thinking about myself. Tennis would never be the same without you, Rogelio. There's no point without you.' he finally looked at Roger, whose eyes were sparkling, filled with tears, but who had such a large smile on his face. 

'Don't say that, Raf. It's not true. Tennis will be fine as long as they have you. And yes, I remember. Oh, you were so supportive, baby, so patient, so kind, so loving, I was so lucky to have you by my side. Not only then, but always. I never knew I could love someone as much as I loved you. You were my rock, loving me no matter what, even though I was such a dick to you in the beginning. You still looked at me like I was the sun. ' 

He kissed his knuckles, caressing the scars on his fingers from playing tennis for so many years. He traced Rafa's jawline and slowly touched his lips, enraptured by their softness, lips he wanted so damn much to kiss, lips he wished he could take back with him to Switzerland, oh, and his cheeks, damn he wanted to kiss those cheeks all the time. He stopped himself and Rafa sighted, begging him not to stop. But he had to, they were doing the right thing, weren't they? 

'You are the sun in my eyes, Rogi.' 

'That's so cheesy, Raf.' 

'I don't care. It's the truth. And you were always by my side too, Rogi. And only you know how many injuries I had. How you put up with me, I don't know.' he smiled so kindly and he hoped Roger would see his love in his eyes. 

They stayed like that for a moment, looking into each other's eyes, reminiscing, replaying their favourite moments in front of their eyes. Rafa was the one to break the silence, speaking with more conviction this time.

'I need you, Rogi. I don't know what I would do without you in my life. I love you.' His hand reached for Roger's face, but the older man intercepted it and kissed it once more, before allowing Rafa to touch his face. Rafa wiped his tears and traced the lines of his mouth, nose, jawline and then kissed him softly. After breaking apart, Roger stayed with his eyes close for a little while, savoring the feeling, preserving it into his brain. They loved each other so much. Too much. It sometimes hurt. Actually, it hurt all the time. 

'I love you too, so much, baby. And having to let you go has got to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Even harder than playing against you on clay. And that's just an impossible mission.' Rafa laughed, really laughed at Roger's joke and hope bloomed in his heart, maybe this wasn't the end. Maybe they'll find their way back to each other some day. One way or another, they always did. 

'Do you wanna come in?' Rafa dared to ask even though he shouldn't have, but still he hoped his lover has changed his mind. 

'I shouldn't, otherwise I'll never leave.' Roger said, winking. He didn't even know how to properly wink and that put yet another smile on the younger man's face. He looked so silly in that light, as the sun was slowly rising, a new day ahead, a new beginning. 

'That's the whole point, Rogelio.'


End file.
